An amazing day 

So today I’ve had beautiful trip to this amazing with B, L and S. I’m glad L enjoyed with B and out apart their differences, I enjoyed more with Eveyeone of them, i love B a lot. 

Yesterday night I was real suicidal, B helped me, comforted me, told me how things work, explained me how I need to get rid of every shitty things. I fell in love once again, nobody showed any carE for me and he did. Maybe that’s why i love him so much. Still trying to get over him. I hope I’ll get over ASAP. 

One real girl in a fake world 

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My bestfriend is in town 

Today I had the weirdes day ever in my life. Here’s the background. 

I’ve 3 bestfriends, 

1 male – (I met him a year back, let’s Name him B) 

2 females – ( both of them I met 12 years back, S and L) 

L was on world tour, we (me and S) had broken up with L before our vacations around in may, I tried to make stuff clear but she didn’t want to so I gave her space. 

So meantime I got more closer with S, so there’s this kind of distance that’s formed between me and L, at least I feel that. 

Why did me and L broke up it’s because I shared our stuff with B, B is my bestfriend B ain’t close with S and L, so while I wasn’t there L and B had a huge fight regarding stuff. 

Anyway we patched up before L went on a world tour, so today L came back, it was weird first, I tried to act normal but all I vain, I had a class after 30 mins she came, she surprised us we didn’t have any idea she was coming. 

I’m so done with drama and this life, L told lots of stuff, what O (S’s boyfriend) said about me to her, he said that I’m a bad person, and I don’t really care about her and so many shits I don’t know about and L got influenced by him and another friend of hers A, And idk I feel so messed up, it’s all too much to handle. And idk what’s happening with me, I feel like shit, I feel like I’m the problem, he blamed me for many things, oh god I already had enough of drama in my life and I didn’t want anymore. 

Guys if you’ve any suggestions on how to avoid all these kindly tell me. 

I’ve mentioned previously on my blog that I’m doing stuff to avoid stuff, like working out, focusing on my diet, focusing on my career and doing some productive stuff. But this recent drama have already started affecting me and I’m not strong enough to hold onto anymore. 
One real girl in a fake world

Sharing all the thoughts 

I don’t know if there’s anyone reading this but for now I really really want to be honest. 

I’m so madly in love with my bestfriend, and I’m trying ways to get over him. It started with me getting close with different guys but all in vain, I could never remove my bestfriend from my life. There also came a moment when I thought I was really over him coz I started dating someone else when I was on my vacations, let’s make him S, And my bestriend B, and there this girl bestfriend of mine G, 

When I came back to my place, G told me I’m probably not over B, and once I start hanging out with B all my feelings will be back, I thought I liked S well but no, when me and B started hanging out I realized i was never over B, and now at this point I’m trying to distance my self from B because his presence been affecting me way much and I can’t do anything. I fucking love him so much and I hate to say that. I changed my life style, I stopped using Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and even deleted my Whats app to stay away from him, but then we always found ways to  connect each other. At a moment my pain was so much that I went into depression and soon I was having suicidal thoughts. 

Recently I’m developing some new habits, I’m giving my time to my write ups, also going to gym regularly 

You won’t believe I had a such long hair and cut them very short just because B loved my long hairs, but B says I look cute in this hairs as well, I’m trying my best to start a new day every day but it sucks. It’s not only B that’s been bothering me, but my family, my mum wants me to get married as soon as possible, I tried talking to her but no use, I miss my granny whom I lost a year back. I miss you maa. I miss you a lot. 
One real girl in a fake world  

5 most important decisions I decided to work on 

There came a time when I was tired of everything, tired of people around me, tired of the life I was living. Basically I wanted to get rid of everything. I used to cry because I couldn’t do anything for myself or to make my dreams true. I had given up on my life, and there came a turning point. I took few decisions, yes I’m glad I took them.

1. Deleted social media. 

The first thing I did was deleted social media, I agree it does have its advantages but for me I had more of disadvantages. As time passed I realized my whole life is a public, I shared whatever I did in my Snapchat everyday, I shared my best pictures on Instagram. I also got influenced very easily, I wanted to do some stuff because someone else had done it, and I didn’t realize it in a long term, I kept on doing it without getting to know what I was doing to myself. Instagram and Snapchat are addictions, you share everything you do with someone who barely knows you. Not to mention you only share your good things and avoid showing your painful side to that world. 

2. Focused on my career 

I was always upset with the choice of course I’m studying. International tourism management. I felt like there’s no scope and there’s nothing I would want to do in this course. I chose this course because I wanted to work in aviation sector, but soon realized this course was making my capacity of learning limited. There were days when I cried over it, I used to cry which direction I’m going on.  I used to cry because I couldn’t do anything about it. My marks had begun to drop as well.  I had spoken to my dad during my first year itself but they didn’t support me for this and blamed me for not having a determination and focus. One day I decided to end up regretting over it and accepting it as I had no choice. I focused on what all the options I have in this sector and motivated myself for this. For now I’m back with interest in my course, getting to learn so much. In 6 months I’ll get graduated and hopefully will land up in a decent job. 

3. Started Gym 

Yes I’m healthy, and I was always told that I didn’t have a good figure or else I was always informed my gym didn’t show any results and that was because I couldn’t balance my workouts and diets, I would eat unhealthy after working out because of which my results were either slow or no results at all. Whoever called me fat it affected me so much, I sometimes didn’t eat anything at all or else I ate to much on purpose either way my mental health was fucking up. So one day I decided to take gym seriously not because I wanted to prove anyone anything rather I wanted to show myself, I wanted to prove myself that if I’ve a goal, i can achieve it. I love lifting, thought now I only lift 6kg’s dumbbells, I really wanna work harder. 

4. Removed all the toxic people from my life 

I spoke with many, and these many were either my acquaintances or my friends (virtually). Tbh I’ve had lots of breakups, and I’ve watched people walk away from my life as if i was just a person with no feelings or whatever you compare me with. There came a point when I texted all of my ex boyfriends and asked the reason of breakups, it haunted me for few days, in these few days I deleted all of the people because of whom I was blaming myself, yes you can say that I ran away from them but now I’m at a better position, nobody’s words affect me nor I let it affect. I’m good however I’m.  If they need me in their life they should stop talking negative stuffs about me. 

5. Let go of my past 

My past have been bad. Some people know it and few doesn’t. I’m a different person now, few months back I hated when someone spoke about my past, yes I dated number of guys, yes My list of boyfriends is never ending, so what ? It doesn’t define me, it was my past, I did it back then, now I don’t right?. You need to understand that your past character doesn’t say about your present, accept your past and move on. Life is much more than that. If you don’t let go of your past it’s gonna haunt you forver. Do something before it’s too late. 
One real girl in a fake world 

The boy I got addicted to 

Alina my cousin sister had dialed a random number and handed her phone over to me, the voice seemed careless and he was least bothered of what he was speaking. 

“Who the fuck is this?” He kept asking 

“Someone you don’t know” I replied 

“Then what are you expected me to say, be nice just fuck offf if you ain’t telling me who are you” his voice increased 

The fight went on with he abusing me so much and me making fun of everything about him. I also got chance to speak with his friends, they told about themselves soon. 

Few days later I texted him from my Instagram account and said sorry. He replied instantly and asked forgiveness for speaking that way. Then chats turned into never ending  video calls. He’s ruthless, grumpy and so cute. I like his face and his voice. He gives thunderstorms In my body, his smile gives me peace and I could watch him for like ever, he looks good when he doesn’t make his hair or beard, he’s total mess and I’m addicted to his messiness. I need him, I don’t even need a coffee if I get to see and hear him. His actions little kiddish thou I love them all, you know sometimes he does things which I apparently don’t like but it doesn’t matter my addictions is greater thn the  negative things he says. 

I also know he’s cheating on me with Alina, alina shares everything with me , they went on a date few days back but samar mentioned it was just a “hangout with alina” but I knew it was more than that. Still I don’t tell him I’m aware about the shit he’s doing. I don’t know what to tell him, or maybe I don’t want him to stop calling me or I don’t want to miss watching his messed up face. 

Yesterday night around 12am he said he was sleepy and needed some rest which meant we won’t be doing any video calls. He said he was sorry for not calling me and soon I went to bed. The next morning alina called me all excited told me she and samar spoke yesterday till 3am and he proposed her, he said he loved her and all. I agree my heart kind of broke but I knew it all coming so I shouldn’t feel that bad, but that’s alright. I’m thinking of telling him that I’ve known it all since starting, I’ll probably tell him before I go to Dubai, or maybe I may not tell him because he completes my emptiness, when I talk to him I don’t feel lonely at all. 
One weak girl in a fake world 

Little thoughts from my empty mind 

Kehte hai “Aaj gam hai toh kal khushi milegi” . If there’s a darkness now, sunshine will be followed, believe me I’ve been waiting for this sunshine , starting a next day with a new hope have been my favorite thing to do and I’ve followed it without a question but now I’m tired, very tired. I wanna fly, fly away from here, my wings have been held by the societies norms and traditions, my wings have been held by my parents rules, I do not want to live this life, I want to go far away from here, and I’ve been waiting for this like forever. 

Is there any happiness in my destiny? Or is it going to continue this way? Is there anyway to forget your memory? I’d want to erase everything I’ve ever experienced, it’s too much to handle. I can’t handle it anymore. I’m standing on edge of my roof wondering where my life have taken me, wondering where that little girl is lost who would do anything to achieve her goals and dreams, she’s nowhere to found, this person is differnent, I’m now bounded by the rules, traditions, culture, norms of society, waiting for someone who’d cut of the bound and free me and take me away from here, because I’ve no energy left to do anything or even fight for myself. 
One real girl in a fake world 

How I fell in love with my bestfriend 

I looked out for him because I found him real attractive. Instantly we connected. I’m introvert and he’s extrovert, I still don’t know our common habits apart from eating food, but still we have a lot to talk about. We don’t get bored of each other that’s when I realized he’s my soulmate despite knowing someone else ruled over his heart and mind I couldn’t stop myself from falling in love with him, how could I not he’s the most amazing I’ve ever met (tbh i have never let anyone close to me, see the introvert problems ) I could spend hours and we always had a topic to discuss. He’s smart when he needs to be, he’s kiddish when he needs to be, he’s also religious. We both love adventures and food, so this always gave us a reason to hangout.

One day I confessed my feelings for him, and that time I thought he’d eventually cut me off and forget me, instead our bond got stronger and we got more close. That’s why I respect him more, he cared about my feelings and he didn’t let that affect our friendship. It did hurt few times but I’m trying to let go of my feelings, I know it won’t take me anywhere. I don’t want to develop any negative feelings for him, that’s how much I love him or maybe more thn that. It’s been 6 months since I confessed my feelings and he probably thinks I’m over them, he doesn’t know I fell 10 times more for him in this much of time span.

To say that I’ve stopped loving you or missing would be an understatement. At nights when homosephians sleep, I go out and start gazing at the stars. Usually I wonder what would happen if you’d be there beside me at that moment, recently I want/need you next to me not only while gazing stars but also at 2pm when I’m not lonely. You’ve not only become my bestfriend but my habit I’d never want to get rid of and even the universe Cannot break that out. 

One real girl in a fake world